It's hard to not feel when feelings is all I can feel.
It's hard to not feel when feelings is all I can feel.
8/31/2014
This post is just me trying to express this lonely and disconnected feeling that seems to be overwhelming. I suppose I'm just in whiny mode and it will pass like gas...i think? I'm not too concerned over what this doctor ay infectious diseases will tell me. I'm not even worried what the oncologist will tell me. However it all turns out I know I will accept it and do what I need to do. Still no matter how strong I think I am or how in control I want to be, I am still human. I can't help but feel alone and isolated. It's not that I don't have support in Dale because I know I do but still... with his health issues it seems unfair to him to be so supportive over my stupid body. I have a lot of guilt there when it comes to the man I love and has loved me back. As selfish as this seems... I wish my friend David Powers was still around so I can have someone I can vent too honestly without feeling guilty. I miss him so much. David would always know what to say and knew what I needed to hear. I'm just expressing pain right now so... I wish it would have been me that died and not David. David was a bright light of love and kindness. I'm just a black void of negativity. Anyway...too dark of a statement for a blog such as this but it is just a feeling. It's hard to not feel when feelings is all I can feel. I know that I am just having a bad hair day and it will pass but right now I have to be honest about how I am feeling. Between the Diabetes and everything else, I just feel so beat up right now. I know all will be fine in the end and I will keep waking up in the morning and enjoy my music and coffee as always. I go back to the infectious disease doctor for my test results this wednesday so hopefully that will turn out good. I will work on being a bit more positive minded just to keep what little sanity I have left intact. I know that it's dark in my head right now and I also know I will survive it as I have the years of dark days. If this post serves nothing else than to let some reader know that they are not alone in the bad hair days. Please know you're not alone. Do whatever you need to do to get out of the bed and feel something other than sickly and broken. Find what you need to help you though the bad days. We have to fight and not give in. Keep fighting. :)
8/31/2014
This post is just me trying to express this lonely and disconnected feeling that seems to be overwhelming. I suppose I'm just in whiny mode and it will pass like gas...i think? I'm not too concerned over what this doctor ay infectious diseases will tell me. I'm not even worried what the oncologist will tell me. However it all turns out I know I will accept it and do what I need to do. Still no matter how strong I think I am or how in control I want to be, I am still human. I can't help but feel alone and isolated. It's not that I don't have support in Dale because I know I do but still... with his health issues it seems unfair to him to be so supportive over my stupid body. I have a lot of guilt there when it comes to the man I love and has loved me back. As selfish as this seems... I wish my friend David Powers was still around so I can have someone I can vent too honestly without feeling guilty. I miss him so much. David would always know what to say and knew what I needed to hear. I'm just expressing pain right now so... I wish it would have been me that died and not David. David was a bright light of love and kindness. I'm just a black void of negativity. Anyway...too dark of a statement for a blog such as this but it is just a feeling. It's hard to not feel when feelings is all I can feel. I know that I am just having a bad hair day and it will pass but right now I have to be honest about how I am feeling. Between the Diabetes and everything else, I just feel so beat up right now. I know all will be fine in the end and I will keep waking up in the morning and enjoy my music and coffee as always. I go back to the infectious disease doctor for my test results this wednesday so hopefully that will turn out good. I will work on being a bit more positive minded just to keep what little sanity I have left intact. I know that it's dark in my head right now and I also know I will survive it as I have the years of dark days. If this post serves nothing else than to let some reader know that they are not alone in the bad hair days. Please know you're not alone. Do whatever you need to do to get out of the bed and feel something other than sickly and broken. Find what you need to help you though the bad days. We have to fight and not give in. Keep fighting. :)
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