Allen Cash's living with Diabetes

Rethinking my thinking. 12/22/2014 Greeting all, So as some of you know the last time I posted I was not in a good place in my head. I can tell you with all honesty...it's a little bit better this time. It is clear to me I need more support. Asking for help is something I am not very good at so this is going to be tough.  I'm still not eating healthy and not working out at all now. My weight is fluctuating between 252 and 256 lbs. I'm dealing with a "don't give a shit" attitude lately as well. I know I need to change all this if I want to live but it's not so easy to do. Depression has always been apart of my life. I think thats true for most people. The Lexapro does help a little but I need to do more. I can't do this alone. I thought I could but it is clear I can't. What is going to be the hardest is finding a group that isn't about shoving religion in the mix. I just can't take these people seriously. So it is going to be tough to fi...

Feeling....? 12/12/2014 I know it's been a while since I lasted posted anything but I did warn you I do tend to get lazy. This time it was not because of lack of interest or just being lazy. I simply have not had much to say on the subject. The only real information I have to share is due to my last visit to the oncologist... it would seem my white blood count is down and he isn't too concern that it's cancer. Good news but it still does not explain what is going on with my body. It could be all in my head but who knows. His answer to the unexplained high white blood count was my weight. The most used and most generic answer in the medical world. I'm supposed to go back a couple of more times to the cancer center next year but I am going to cancel both appointments. I see no reason to go back. Same for the special diseases appointment too. It is clear they have no viable answers for me. I have enough to deal with as is without all these wasted appointments. My Bloo...

Night High and Lower Day. 11/17/2014 Greetings Humans of Earth! Not much to really report but I have been noticing something about my Blood Sugar readings. It seems like my morning/fast number is always between 135 to 150. That is even after about 9 to 12 hours after I have eaten. Now during the day my numbers are much lower. Between 118 and 100 is about the average. That is reading 2 to 3 hours after breakfast and lunch. I always forget to read it again after supper. I guess I need to do that too so I can get a more accurate daly idea of what is going on. I also forget to eat lunch. However I have been doing good with my weight lifting. I'm not doing sets that are heavy or very impressive at all. I'm just trying to get myself use to the motion of lifting and pressing again. I'm also trying to work on being consistent. I'm taking it slow and easy. My next visit with the oncologist is december 1st so I can find out what is next and to see how the test results have b...

Bad eating and lack of support. 11/1/2014 Good AM/Pm all, Not a hell of a lot to report other than I have not been eating as well as I know I should and it's really showing in my morning reading. I know I need to do better and I am. Bad eating habits makes it hard to know if the Bydureon is working or not. My reading this morning was 171 which isn't good. On a good day it's around 140 which still isn't good but better than 200. Of course last night was Halloween ( my favorite holiday) and I did...eat some candy. Not just some but...well... I went ape shit. LOL! It's was Skittles and I do love me some Skittles! I should have never agreed to buy candy. The sad part is I have all this candy and we did not have the first kid to ring the doorbell. Now i have to get this candy out the house before i end up going into a Diabetic coma! The stupid shit we humans do to ourselves. So I am going to get back on track because I know if I don't... it can only get worse. I ...

Checking In 10/11/2014 Hello all, Not much to report here right now other than after using Bydureon for almost a month...my blood sugar really has not change. It may take  couple of more weeks before it kicks in. My fasting number is still above 140 which I guess isn't too bad considering how high it was before the meds. I'm still not happy with it yet but as I said before it may take a little longer for this stuff to work. I'm feeling okay I suppose. My feet has been feeling like they are on fire but not all the time. Sometimes they get that numbish feeling around both my little toes but it also comes and goes. Emotionally I feel lost. Not sure why but I am sure it will pass. Well.. as I said I have very little to report. I just felt like touching bases and checking in. Until next time... later all.

I HATE Needles! 9/20/2014 Okay all... the Bydureon Pens came in late yesterday. I gave myself the first injection about four minutes ago. First time I ever gave myself a shot before. How was it you ask? Let's just say... I'd rather prick my finger 100 times a day than deal with this painful shit! I suppose if this works it will be worth that once a week injection.I did do a great deal of reading about this med. I have a lot to look out for. Some scary side effects to be concern about. Thyroid cancer mainly. However I think it will be fine. I've been lucky since my BP and Diabetes meds were adjusted to not experience anymore bad side effects. I still have issues with bouts of dizziness and nausea but not as intense as it once was. For the most part I am feeling better and not as stressed out. As long as I pay attention to how I am feeling and really get down to eating better and working out... I can only be better. I must say this with all my heart... I HATE NEEDLES! The...

Still alive and etc etc... 9/17/2014 Well the surgery/exam went well Monday. I will know what the biopsy result in the next few days but they found no tumors or anything unusual. They did both the colon and my stomach. Of course I was out like a light. It felt like just a couple of minutes and then it was over. Even the prep the day before was not as intense as I thought it would be. My stomach is starting to get back to normal and I'm feeling a lot more clear headed. All in all it wasn't so bad. I know Dr. D wants to do one more test but I don't know when that will be. He isn't in too much of a hurry for the bone biopsy. I'm okay with that. I need a break from all this doctor stuff. Now I can get back to the Diabetes thing and not be so obsessed with other crap. As I have mention before my sugar had been pretty high the last month. My fasting number has been between 160 to 175. However my last visit with my regular doc was pretty good. My A1C is down from 14 ...

Oh this Flabby, Saggy Body of mine exposed to Medical Eyes. 9/10/2014 So I got a call from the Dr.Lakshmi Gopal's office this morning about my colonoscopy and they set things up for this coming Monday morning at 6:30am at the Ambulatory/Surgical Center. I had to go pick up my instructions for prep and some paperwork to fill out and take with me next Monday. It's going to be rough going without eating for about 24 hours or more and having to "Clean" my colon out will be so much fun I just can't wait to spend a day sitting on the golden throne. I have to be honest... I'm feeling anxious. Not about the prep or the procedure itself but strangers staring at my old gross flat ass and my revolting body. I know that is silly and I can assure you I am not a modest person nor am I egotistical and vain. It's just the feeling of being judged by people that did not see me when I was 100lb biggers. It just seems hurtful if they did judge me without knowing all my ha...

More Test, More Stress..whatever 9/9/2014 Here is a real quick update on yesterday's visit with my Oncologist. First the place was packed and it took them an hour to get to me. I did not mind the wait but I got a little dizzy sitting in the waiting room. It wasn't too bad so by the time they called me I was feeling a bit more together. As always they took some blood, checked my blood pressure and then weighed me. The young lady that does that is very sweet and very professional. I can't say that about the rest of the idiots that work there. Anyway... I was sent to an examining room to wait to talk to the doc. I'm not sure why I do this but I can't help but notice just how tiny these rooms are. It's like the world is shrinking and I'm now apart of that tiny room. Like it or not I'm there. So the Doc. came into the room all smiles. It's kind of comforting but at the same time it's creepy! I couldn't help but to giggle a bit. Now i can't...

My number is High but the Coffee is so GOOD! 9/8/2014 Good AM/PM all,  I woke up this morning to 222 for my fasting number. It sucks! About the time I think I have a handle on the blood sugar... BAM! It's starting to get old. Oh well... not sure what to do anymore. Anyway I have an appointment with Dr. D at the cancer center for a follow up. Since they can't find anything to explain the W.B.C being elevated I am going to call it a day and move forward. I am more concern with my Diabetes than anything else. I guess the W.B.C thing is some weird anomaly that for now.. can't be diagnosed.  I know i am repeating myself from the last post so.. sorry about that. It's what's in my head right now. I also have a 3 month visit with my regular doc. this thursday. I am concern he may change my meds again due to high readings. I hope not. It is such a pain in the ass to deal with Express Scripts. It's not that they are not accommodating. It's mostly the lack of commu...

Doing what is right for myself. 9/5/2014 Okay my test results at the infectious disease center came out good with no real issues. I'm happy about that but at the same time... I still don't know what is going on with my white blood count. I go back to the cancer center this monday for a follow up. Now if he tells me he wants to do the chest x-ray and a bone biopsy...I am going to move forward with that. If these two last test come out clean, then I am going to call it quits with worrying over the W.B.C deal. They have tested me for damn near everything and nothing has given me an answer to what might be causing this. I have done everything everyone has asked me to do so now I have to do what I need to do and thats refocus myself on my Diabetes. My blood sugar has been all over the chart and my eating is out of control. The urge to give up is really starting to bother me. The W.B.C thing is just making me frustrated and depressed. Which is the last thing I need. Like I said b...

Hair not so bad today. 9/1/2014 I just wanted to post a quick update on yesterday's bad hair day. I'm feeling emotionally much better than I did. I got sick a couple of times yesterday when I was trying to get some work done. My blood pressure dropped a couple of times and at some point I ended up on the office floor. I guess the heat got to me. I know, I know... I should be more careful but I guess I get so sick of not being unable to do the things I use to do. I hate not being useful. I hate not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't function like a normal human being. I actually had to use one of those electric carts in the store the other day because walking in large stores is getting impossible to do without getting sick. As silly as it is... I was very embarrassed riding that damn thing. I just want to be better so I can get back to living instead of just sitting around getting depressed over feeling useless. I keep wondering if this is it. Is this th...

It's hard to not feel when feelings is all I can feel. 8/31/2014  This post is just me trying to express this lonely and disconnected feeling that seems to be overwhelming. I suppose I'm just in whiny mode and it will pass like gas...i think? I'm not too concerned over what this doctor ay infectious diseases will tell me. I'm not even worried what the oncologist will tell me. However it all turns out I know I will accept it and do what I need to do. Still no matter how strong I think I am or how in control I want to be, I am still human. I can't help but feel alone and isolated. It's not that I don't have support in Dale because I know I do but still... with his health issues it seems unfair to him to be so supportive over my stupid body. I have a lot of guilt there when it comes to the man I love and has loved me back. As selfish as this seems... I wish my friend David Powers was still around so I can have someone I can vent too honestly without feeling...

Weird readings and appointments, appointments, appointments. 8/27/2014 Happy Hump Day all! The last few days my blood sugar readings have gone up and it has seemed to have stabilized in the 150's. Very frustrating but nothing to get too upset over. I am slowly learning what to eat and what not to eat, so with that in mind I know it will take time and a whole lot of patience when it comes to my readings. Diabetes is already a confusing deal, so I see no reason to allow it to make me insane. OR more insane in my case :) On another topic... I went back in the Cancer Center yesterday to get my test results. So far everything looks okay. Not great but okay. I am still waiting for one more test results that was not ready yet when I went in yesterday. In the meantime I have a appointment this morning with a Infectious Disease Specialist which means they will want a few gallons of my sweet blood to test for whatever they test for. The oncologist/ hematologist doctor also wants to do...

A Self- Destructive Day. 8/21/2014 So I woke up to high readings yesterday of 122. Now I know thats still not that bad to warrant a melt down but that is after about 12 hours of not eating and what I did eat was very low in carbs. I ate 85 grams of carbs and around 1600 calories. I honestly expected my number to be much lower. As my morning progressed, I ate two whole wheat english muffin sandwiches with turkey sausage and egg white. I waited two hours to retest and my number went up even more. The test came out with almost 200 for my Blood sugar level which needless to say, discourage me to no end. I tested myself again 2 more hours later and it still read 200. At that point I just gave up and started  eating anything and everything. I did not bother to test anymore the rest of the day. When you work so hard to inform yourself and do the right thing to be better and suddenly nothing makes sense you feel like it's all a waste of time and work. It actually isn't. If I had be...

Another Quick Update 8/17/2014 Hey guys, For the last few days my blood sugar level is getting lower every day while my energy level is going up! This morning it was 109! I give credit to the Invokana increase and the low carb diet I am on. I'm pretty happy with the low numbers but at the same time I have to make sure I eat properly to avoid sugar crashes. It's always some balancing act to deal with when it comes to Diabetes isn't it? it's all good because for now.. I feel great. I am still waiting on the test results form the massive amounts of blood I spilled for the cancer center. I have a feeling they won't find anything but you never know. The doc says if everything comes out negative then it wants to send me to a specialist for Infectious diseases. He says there must be a reason why my white blood count is high. The last time my doc check my W.B.C it came in much lower...around 1300. The test before that it was 1700. If I understand it right... it should...

8/4/2014 I can honestly say that for most of my life I have never taken prescription drugs. Well... when I was younger I dabbled with some drugs but nothing really hard core. I never really got into the drug thing because I don't like not being in control with myself. It's not that I NEED to be in control all the time but lets be honest... most people can not be trusted. Drugs for me was a way to cause me to let down my guard around people I would normally not trust with my safety. I like to have a good time as long as I can trust those around me. Anyway my point being is that when I first started seeing a doctor I knew I would have to simply trust this person with my life. Now for me... that is so much harder than it sounds. I knew I would be on meds for my blood pressure ,cholesterol, Anxiety and Diabetes. It is a serious reality check to know you need meds to stay alive. Trust has no real bearing with this new reality. It is a fact I am learning to accept. So when my doct...

7/31/2014 Food change and Med change OH MY! Well guys… this has been a week of ups and downs. Mostly ups. I started to work on my diet a bit by calories counting and focusing more on Carbs. Right now my calories count is 1800 and my Carbs are 60 Carbs per meal. I am using the tools my Dietitian gave me in order to help lower my blood sugar and my weight. I think it’s working already. My Blood sugar has been under 200 the last couple of days with the exception of this morning because… I was bad yesterday. VERY bad! So with bad eating habits comes higher numbers. My blood sugar this morning was 221 which prove to me that this new way of eating is a good way of getting things under control.  It also tells me how serious I need to take things. Portion size and balanced meals is the key to better eating and a healthier body. It really is hard to understand the complete science behind how food does affect us but just knowing a little can make a big difference with how we see oursel...

7/27/2014 Diabetes Education (Part 2) BUSTED! Well kiddies it would seem my body  isn't  interested in learning. Yep...I ended up in the E.R again but this time they kept me over night. I have never stayed in a hospital ever in my life! Okay this is what went down.  I got there pretty early so I can get settled in and stay in a relaxed mood. They came down to admitting to wheel me to class. I was the first one in class so I got to set up my laptop and my other junk to be ready for class. It was nice and quiet and relaxing. I felt positive minded and was ready to learn. Just like last time… I sat there listening to the instructors and I started to feel nauseous and light headed. I ask to be excused and one of the teachers (Carol) walked me to the men’s room. I wobbled me way into the bathroom and saw a chair. I sat down then decided I would need to lay on the floor and prop my feet up on the chair to get the blood back to my head and to even out my blood flow. C...

7/24/2014 Diabetic Education ( part 2 ): “Will I make it this time?” I'm  in a pretty decent mood for now. You know how it can be some days. One moment “HI Lets Party’ and the next “Go fuck yourself”. It’s insane but it is what it is. A couple of days ago I had a sudden drop in sugar levels which was freaky. However the levels were 181 which is still high but normally it’s around 260, It happened so fast it kind of scared me. I did not know what to do. The levels were still too high at 181 so I did not know if I should eat or be happy I was below 200? I think the only reason why it made me sick was because it did drop mighty fast. In all honesty I had eaten since breakfast and it was a big bowl of multi grain cereal. I would say it was about 6 hours since I last ate. I guess I will have to make myself eat more often so I don’t have sudden crashes. Today I go back to Diabetes class and I am in a much more chilled state of mind than the last time. It was a disaster last time....

7/19/2014 Feeling better but not “Party!” better. I woke up at 2 am this morning feeling restless but not really crappy. Actually I am feeling clear headed for a change. I just finished my whole wheat bagel and a couple of bananas for my breakfast. I took my large collection of vitamins and meds and now I am sitting here listening to Coldplay and relaxing. Oh… I am sure this is a waste of time due to the fact I have no idea if anyone actually reads this blog but just in case…  Does anyone know a good vitamin to help Diabetics with energy level? As if I need more pills but I think this may be necessary. My energy level is so out of whack the last few weeks. I have to do something because this is making me bit nuts. I have been told that B-12 was good for energy but I thought I would put this out there and see what you all think. Any productive information would be awesome. So… back to the topic at hand. I had a rough day yesterday but I am feeling a lot better emotionally. ...

7/18/2014 Powerless Just a fair warning… this post is going to be a dark and whiny one. After waking up in a fairly decent mood yesterday it did not take very long for it to turn to shit. I was setting in the lobby at The West Florida hospital waiting for Dale to have his stitches removed from his biopsy a couple of weeks ago. I settled down with my coffee and as I sat there I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. My hands starting to tremble and my breathing started to become shaky. My vision started to blur a bit and I knew either I was crashing or I was having an Anxiety attack.  There was a nice spot to sit outside of the coffee shop I was sitting near to so I went outside to try and relax. There was no one else there so it was perfect. I finally chilled out and came back in. By that time Dale was done and was ready to go. I thought I was in the clear but then my mood started a downward spiral. I just shut down and had no interest in anything around me. All I want...

7/17/2014 Support groups for Diabetes on Face Book. The last couple of days I have been feeling a bit on the depressed side. I thought I would give some of the support groups on Face Book a try just to have a real conversation of how I was feeling. One group is called “So you know you’re a Diabetic when…” struck my fancy and decided to join and post. Just to see if it was an active page with real people and not these obsessive folks that just to gain attention. I got into a nice chat with two nice folks Ed and Roxie. The conversation was much more productive than I would have thought it would be. I got some really good information from both of them. I actually felt a bit better after the chat was over. It’s kind of a big deal to me because I am always questioning people’s motives but at the same time I am trying to learn to “Trust”. This is not an easy task for an old fart like me. I have to admit… I was feeling pretty proud of myself for being more open. I mean… I  wasn't ...

7/15/2014 Just a quick update so here we go… I went to do my E.R follow-up yesterday with my doc and it  wasn't  really a very informative or eventful visit. He wants to check up blood again to see what my blood count is and to see if it is back to normal. I am guessing he wants to do this before he decides if I need a cardiologist or not. So far I have no real expiation on what happen to me last week at the Diabetes class. It’s madding how we are always forced to play the waiting game. I did speak with him about my bouts of depression and then anxiety I have been dealing with. Of course he was very quick to suggest a med for my…. moodiness. Lexapro is what he wants me to start on. I am honestly not sure if this is something I want to do. It’s really not a matter of pride or anything like that. I just don’t know enough about medications such as this to Trust it. I am going to do some research on this today and see what I can find out. I have heard good things about ...

7/12/14 Good Morning/Evening All, I have been thinking about how to get a real rhythm going for this blog to make it more focused and neat but… I am way too scattered brain to do that right now. Besides if I get too much on the negative of this Diabetic path I am on… it will just make my temper worse. That is one thing I have noticed the last few weeks about myself. I tend to become agitated easily. I mean I get that way over the most pointless shit. Here is a quick example… T.V commercials, dropping things, not finding something I am looking for… etc. Being frustrated is one thing over these small issues but to get all out angry is a bit weird. I am aware of this happing but I can’t seem to make myself stop and breath and just relax. My energy level (or lack of) isn’t helping either. I don’t know if these extreme mood swings are because of the Diabetes or I’m just a asshole. This past Thursday morning I was to start my Diabetes Education class. I was up very early that day and we...

Greetings Everyone, My Name is Allen Cash. I am originally from Savannah Georgia but I spent most of my adult life in Atlanta Ga. I moved to Pensacola FL, to be with my partner Dale Cash in 2004. After 10 years together we were married in Pikesville MD April 16 th 2014. We are still living Pensacola for the moment. 2014 has been a tough year for us both. Between losing our Mastiff “Bear” to bone cancer, Dale diagnosed with osteoarthritis and me diagnosed with Diabetes Type 2 and dealing with all the little neat things one has to deal with in everyday life…. It’s been insane! However, we have endured 3 hurricanes, and I think 3 crazy tropical storms and all the wonderful mess and damage they left behind and yet… we are still standing. For me Diabetes is a life changing disease that is not only confusing but it has the potential to destroy one’s emotional stability. The constant stress of dealing with the corporate mindset of the medical industry and the constant battle between what M...