Powerless

7/18/2014

Powerless

Just a fair warning… this post is going to be a dark and whiny one. After waking up in a fairly decent mood yesterday it did not take very long for it to turn to shit. I was setting in the lobby at The West Florida hospital waiting for Dale to have his stitches removed from his biopsy a couple of weeks ago. I settled down with my coffee and as I sat there I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. My hands starting to tremble and my breathing started to become shaky. My vision started to blur a bit and I knew either I was crashing or I was having an Anxiety attack.  There was a nice spot to sit outside of the coffee shop I was sitting near to so I went outside to try and relax. There was no one else there so it was perfect. I finally chilled out and came back in. By that time Dale was done and was ready to go. I thought I was in the clear but then my mood started a downward spiral. I just shut down and had no interest in anything around me. All I wanted to do is go home and sleep. I was stuck in that frame of mind the rest of the day. My mind was racing with thoughts of giving up on getting healthy. I was thinking “what does it matter… Diabetes is going to win anyway.” I question any real reason to even fight to stay alive. I felt so drained and confused that sleeping was my only escape. We all know you can’t escape reality. As dark as it got in my head, my inner will to keep going got me through the day. It really is a tough emotional battle everyday to keep a positive frame of mind. It’s even more difficult to not project those bad days on the person I love most. I am so tiered of feeling powerless and lonely. I just wish I had more days when I don’t have to think or deal with Diabetes. Of course that won’t happen or maybe it will. Who Knows? Personally… feeling powerless is the worst feeling in the world. I know I need to find some balance in all this. Right now I just feel like that will never happen. However I have been wrong before. I hope I am now.